Episode 11: The Mental Load of Motherhood
I considered myself to be unflappable until I became a mother. When I became a mother, my entire set of priorities and identity shifted towards this very cute, sweet and completely helpless little creature--for me, a baby boy. I did not take care of this helpless baby all my myself, because I had a partner who got up with Devin during the night to do feedings, changed diapers, gave baths--the whole thing. But I still felt this burden that, as his mother, I was completely responsible for everything related to this baby.
Now, that beautiful baby boy is 12 years old, and fortunately for us, is still a very cute and sweet kid. I still have lots of help from Jeff, my husband of nearly 22 years. Yet I am often overwhelmed with all of the daily, weekly, monthly and yearly responsibilities of running a household, especially as it relates to Devin. I am nearing the end of Maycember, am on the home stretch, but wow, what an example of feeling completely overwhelmed, anxiety-ridden and inadequate. We had field trips, band concerts, baseball games and practices, having friends over, hosting a party, end of year school projects (some of which were sprung on us at the last minute), dentist appointments, and then all of the day to day things like coordinating dinners, who goes where, what time is this, where is that? It has been 30 days of nonstop coordination.
I spent 1 year in Northern Iraq doing a job I was not trained for, working with Koreans and Kurds, and not speaking either language. I was responsible for the safety, morale and welfare of 11 U.S. Soldiers. I often felt completely out of my element, and incredibly stressed for all that I had to do. Yet, motherhood has brought me the most sustained stress and pressure of my entire life. I am only responsible for the safety, morale and welfare of 1 person really, though sometimes 2 if you count my husband, but because Devin is my child, and I am his mother, I know that I absolutely can not screw this up! I want him to succeed in everything he does and tries to do. I want him to work hard in school. I want him to enjoy time with his friends. I want him to have a balanced diet, not to have too much sugar, or salt or fat, but also enjoy food and be able to splurge sometimes. I want him to achieve his goals in soccer, and baseball and mountain biking and skiing, and will bring him to practices, make sure he has all of the necessary equipment, is safe, works hard, practices at home if he wants to, and makes sure we aren't putting unnecessary pressure on him. I want him to be healthy, so I will set up all of the appointments, make sure he has the vaccinations for school, pass on the records to the school, drive him to the appointments, take notes for Jeff, ask the doctor questions, and so on and so on and so on.
It is called a mental load for a reason. If you ever seen a mother, and she is sitting down for half a second, and staring off into space, she isn't taking a break. She is thinking about what she has to do next to prepare for what is next. It is a load. It feels like this shifting dumbbell in your brain, but there's no getting rid of it. I often find men on social media snarking that it can't be that bad, and mothers are just complaining. We might be complaining, actually. But that doesn't mean our feelings aren't valid, or that our experience isn't legitimate. It is just what we go through, and if we can't complain on social media, or to our friends over coffee, how else do we cope?
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